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Saturday, July 12, 2003
The 2nd Annual African American Marriage Celebration will be Aug. 22 (6 p.m.- 9:30 p.m.) and 23 (9 a.m. � 3:45 p.m.) at the Chattanoogan. Husbands and wives will take a break from their usual Friday evening and Saturday routine to come together to strengthen their marriages, officials said. Kenneth and Ruth Brinkley and Ronald and Jacqueline Jones are Co-Chairpersons for this year�s African American Marriage Celebration. First Things First and the African American community are serious about strengthening families and decreasing the divorce rate in Hamilton County and this is one great way to make that happen, it was stated.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 5:37 PM |Link
Friday, July 11, 2003
INTERESTING STUDY: "Marriage tames geniuses and criminals."
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 4:18 PM |Link
OVERSTATING FINDINGS (cont.): In that Washington Times article discussed below, Pete LaBarbara, a senior policy analyst at Concerned Women for America's Culture and Family Institute, is guilty of using the tentative findings of one study to make an overgeneralized, unsupported conclusion. He is quoted as saying that the Dutch study on gay relationships is "proof positive that these relationships ... will never be as stable as a normal heterosexual relationship regardless of what institutions or laws are changed." No, the study shows no such thing. One study cannot precisely predict the future in a "proof positive" fashion.
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 11:49 AM |Link
DEFINING MONOGAMY DOWN?: In the Washington Times, Amy Fagan reports on the SSM debate:A recent study on homosexual relationships finds they last 1-1/2 years on average � even as homosexual groups are pushing nationwide to legalize same-sex "marriages." � Among heterosexuals, by contrast, 67 percent of first marriages in the United States last at least 10 years�. By contrast? There is no comparison here! She�d have to compare gay and straight relationships, or gay and straight marriages. And the part about average gay relationships are short �even as homosexual groups� are pushing for marriage rights? Well, most heterosexual relationships are pretty short except for the ones that end in marriage. What a ridiculously biased set of lead paragraphs. (And will the Washington Times drop those annoying scare quotes once same-sex marriage is legal?)However, further down the article introduces an issue that the mainstream media ignores: whether or not same-sex marriage would weaken the marital ethos of monogamy. It cites the Vermont study (which I blogged last January) showing that, of gay men in civil unions, 50 percent of those surveyed thought that sex outside the relationship was acceptable. Indeed, in the gay community, �monogamy� does not naturally imply �sexual exclusivity.� Rather, �monogamy� often means that a couple in a relationship negotiates what outside sex is acceptable. So would gay marriage weaken the ideal of monogamy-as-sexual exclusivity? Maybe. Or precisely because gay relationships are in some ways fundamentally different than hetero relationships, maybe they wouldn�t affect heteros much at all. More to come on Monday, including a back-and-forth with Steve Clark, a professor at Albany Law School, who thinks I�m absolutely wrong about �fairness.� UPDATE: I see that "Stabnely Kurtz" already discussed this article at The Corner.
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 11:32 AM |Link
Thursday, July 10, 2003
"Different is not bad, just different":Eleven--year--old Amalia McCallister lives in two houses, typical of a child living with divorced parents. Her parents share child--rearing responsibilities and make sure Amalia's schoolwork is the main focus during the week while leaving time to participate in various sports activities. Laura McAlpine, Amalia's mother and a licensed clinical social worker, says since Amalia is a fifth grader, having time available to hang out with her friends is important. Amalia's situation is not that different from other children living with divorced parents. She rotates between her parents' houses each week. "It is a very typical divorced family," McAlpine says. "Only with three moms." This story is about a new film, "That's a Family," for use in public schools. The idea to foster tolerance and appreciation for diversity. I see this material all the time, and some of it is OK, but what's amazing about this film is its core message that, if your lesbian parents "divorce," not to worry, since your family is just like any other normal family (where the parents are divorced). Good grief. I'll bet that's a real comfort to these kids.
The grown-up film makers and storybook writers can (and do) repeat this "don't worry, different is not bad" slogan constantly, but nothing I've seen suggests that the children actually agree with this heavy-handed piece of adult propoganda. Leave aside the issue of hetero/homo. Sometimes "different" is ... not so wonderful.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 6:24 PM |Link
KEEP THE PROBLEM AWAY FROM THE BABY:A California study has found that babies who spend nights at the different homes of separated or divorced parents have problems making secure attachments to their parents ... The researchers note it's important for parents to keep their problems away from their babies. Parents who are divorced or separated also need to pay attention to their baby's behaviour. Good grief. There are enough infants-of-divorce out there bouncing back and forth between parents to merit a study focusing on attachment ... and there seems to be a problem with attachment in many of these cases ... and all the experts can say is, "keep your problems away from your baby"? How exactly could the main problem at hand -- an infant with one too many places to live -- be "kept away" from these babies anyway?
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 5:53 PM |Link
MARRIAGE AS A BRAND NAME:"Marriage", too, is a brand name; perhaps the world's most successful. Knowing a couple is married tells you a lot about them. Marriage also seems to bring about many benefits as couples who get married tend to stay together longer and do a better job raising children. Indeed, marriage is so successful that many Americans pay a substantial tax penalty just for the privilege of legally using the marriage brand name. If you wanted to start a fast-food restaurant you would pay a fair amount for the right to call your restaurant McDonald's because of what this brand name signals. Similarly, many couples are willing to pay higher taxes for the signaling benefits of marriage. Should we expand the marriage brand name to cover committed homosexual unions? Although brand name analysis can't answer this question, it can objectively frame the issues. And:In Slate.com, Michael Kinsley wrote that we should avoid the fight over gay marriage by privatizing marriage. Kinsley's plan, I suppose, would even allow a man to get married to his goldfish, regardless of his goldfish's gender. By allowing anyone to get married, however, Kinsley's privatization plan would destroy marriage's brand value. Perhaps McDonald's should leverage its brand name by opening some slightly different types of restaurants. What McDonald's should never do, however, is allow anyone to use the McDonald's name for then their brand would become meaningless as it would no longer convey any information. Brands only prosper when protected from unreasonable encroachment. Hey, the guy's an economist.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 10:24 AM |Link
NEW QUESTION: "As same-sex marriage has evolved from a far-fetched fantasy to a genuine possibility, many gay people have begun quietly asking themselves and their partners: Do we want it for ourselves?" And:''There are these people who are anti-`the straightening of gay life','' says Skyler Hynes, 39, standing near the cash register in his novelty store in Provincetown. ''They don't want to live that ideal. There's a lot of straight people like that, too, who don't want to get married or who get married but don't play by the rules.''
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 10:16 AM |Link
THERE MUST BE 50 WAYS: John O'Sullivan enters the SSM debate, with a proposal for three kinds of unions: civil (which would include SSM); religious (which would be whatever the tradition says it is); and domestic partners (which would be for all others who want to form a partnership). It's pretty close to Michael Kinsley's idea of fully privatizing marriage.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 10:05 AM |Link
An interesting defense of the Title IX funding program.
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 9:59 AM |Link
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
FROM MELBOURNE: Anne Manne has a terrific essay on family policy -- good proposals, strong analysis. Here are her core principles:The first core principle is the restructuring of work to bestow on children the gift of parental time. The second is to create a special window of protection around early childhood; a period of child development now universally recognised as profoundly important. The last aspect is state neutrality. This enshrines the emerging theme of maternal equity - allowances are broadly structured with no discrimination between working and non-working mothers. Likewise gender equity; either mothers or fathers, or some combination of both, can take advantage of any one of these reforms. Read the whole thing.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 7:05 PM |Link
"According to [the Australian study], 22 per cent of babies less than a year old are regularly cared for by grandparents, compared with 5 per cent in long day care."
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 6:58 PM |Link
FATHERS AT WORK:Research by the Australian Institute of Family Studies contradicts the prevailing wisdom that working long hours damages a person's health and relationships. The study found one in four dads who put in more than 60 hours a week are highly satisfied with their work regime. And it appears their happiness flows through to other areas of their life.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 6:54 PM |Link
"NOTHING BUT AN AVENUE FOR POLITICAL GAIN": The Family Research Council's daily newsbrief takes a dire stance on same-sex marriage:Any attempt to stray from its fundamental meaning will not only make marriage meaningless, but likely extinct. Marriage is the foundation of civilization and of the family. Weaken marriage, and families and societies become imperiled. You simply cannot build a strong society on the backs of weak families. FRC will continue to work to ensure that marriage is protected from those who see it as nothing but an avenue for political gain. I think the FRC is wrong in two ways. First, opening up marriage to same-sex couples will not render marriage "meaningless" or "extinct." It may weaken the social ideal of a married, biological two-parent family as the best environment for children, which I think would be a bad thing. But even if that happens, the sky will not fall. Marriage will still exist and marriage will still have meaning. And gay and lesbian couples will be able to take part in that meaning by making that special lifelong commitment, a commitment that is recognized and supported by society. I think that's a good thing.Second, the FRC accuses proponents of same-sex marriage of going after the right to marry simply for political gain. That demeans the heartfelt desire of many gays and lesbians to be able to take part in the institution that the FRC thinks is so important. To listen to the FRC (or the "marriage movement") discuss the benefits of marriage, why wouldn't gay and lesbian couples want to marry?
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 4:36 PM |Link
SINGLE DADS: The Christian Science Monitor has a rather typical piece on single fathers.Because Gladden grew up in a single-parent family, he was determined not to repeat the pattern of his absent father. "I didn't want to be a parent like my father. I wanted to be a parent like my mother, to be supportive of my kids." ... He is pleased that his children are well adjusted and doing fairly well in school.Still, Gladden emphasizes that solo child-rearing is not easy. "You have this vision of a two-parent household. When it doesn't happen, it's crushing. But you have a choice, either to lie down or get back up." ... "Getting divorced wasn't good for me, and it's not good for children ever," says Jay Portnow, a physician in Norwell, Mass., and the custodial father of two sons. "But having the boys with me has been a blessing."
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 10:05 AM |Link
"The highest state court in Massachusetts is expected to render a landmark ruling on homosexual marriage within days that could change the course of family life in America."
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 8:23 AM |Link
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
From today�s Boston Globe editorial titled �For Gay Marriage�: �It is worth repeating that these are civil marriages. No one is asking any religious organization to sanctify, or even recognize, these unions.�
Actually that�s not quite true. To my knowledge, there are not currently legal challenges asking religious organizations to recognize same sex marriages. But several mainline Protestant denominations are deeply divided over the issue, and some clergy in some denominations were blessing same sex unions years before any state was asked to do so. And, just as gay couples married in one state (Massachusetts or New Jersey, perhaps?) will go to other states seeking recognition of their marriages, so also will they expect everyone else � their workplace, their child�s school, and their church � to recognize their legal marriage. If you're married, you expect anybody, anywhere to recognize you as such.
posted by Elizabeth Marquardt
at 11:38 AM |Link
THE GOOD LIFE � Due to an unusual circumstance, you�re currently living in two different apartments, with a different set of roommates in each place, and no car.
Each of your roommates has their own busy schedules, and you�re not the only person they�re helping out. Some nights you stay at one roommate�s apartment, some nights at the other. When you go to work, one of your roommates drives you there, but the other might pick you up. You like both of your roommates a lot, but they don�t get along so well with each other. Sometimes, you all end up having lunch together, but it really stresses you out when you all hang out together.
Sometimes one of your roommates goes out of town, and you end up staying with the other. Sometimes one of your roommates wants you to stay over with them because of a special occasion. You�re never quite sure if you�re coming or going � whose home you�re sleeping at tonight, who will pick you up this afternoon, where you left your briefcase yesterday, and if you have the files that you need for work today.
People at work think you�re pretty scattered, and frankly, you feel that way too. Living in two apartments with different roommates isn�t really a big deal, is it? Why can�t you get with the program?
Back to reality: Adults rarely if ever try to live in a situation like this. But some proportion of the 25% of kids who are children of divorce do � they�re the kids growing up in the �good divorce,� in which they regularly spend time with both their parents. Along comes a new website, blogged on by Tom, below, that�s supposed to organize everything. Color-coded calendars indicating which nights are with Mom, which are with Dad, who�s responsible for picking up the kids after ballet class, who�s invited to the soccer game, and more.
Not a bad idea. But one, I�d say, that helps maybe 5 percent. If parents are divorced, and the kids live with both of them, some color-coded calendars might help a little. But shouldn�t our main question be why so many kids are growing up trying to live in two homes, something that adults never have to do?
posted by Elizabeth Marquardt
at 11:22 AM |Link
NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER...: An inventive airline mechanic from Minneapolis created a website for divorced families to help them manage their complex schedules in a less emotionally charged setting. It's includes a color-coded calendar, so that days with Dad are in one color and days with Mom are in another color. The site sounds like a great idea, though I doubt it will be the Holy Grail that believers in The Good Divorce are searching for. Says one divorce educator, "A lot of times it's not the divorce itself that bothers children, but the level of conflict, or being caught in the middle." Yes, well, the divorce itself bothers children a lot of times, precisely because the divorce itself makes them feel caught in the middle.
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 10:42 AM |Link
Boston Globe editorial: "For gay marriage"
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 10:32 AM |Link
"Religious and family groups opposed to same-sex marriage want to take their case to the Supreme Court of Canada, a move that could complicate the federal government's plan to legalize gay and lesbian unions."
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 10:28 AM |Link
Monday, July 07, 2003
FROM AUSTRALIA: The push for greater fathers' rights and the legal presumption in favor of joint custody after divorce continues to build. The latest here and here.
I'm very skeptical, of the proposals themselves, and of the groups backing them. I hope the Howard government gives this set of ideas a bit more thought before going ahead.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 5:35 PM |Link
INTERESTING FINDINGS: From a 1997 Journal of Marriage and Family article by Daniel Lichter and Diane McLaughlin:After examining poor women and women who are not poor separately, we found that Black-White differences in marriage occur only among women who are not poor. We found no difference in marriage rates between Black, poor women and White, poor women. ...Contrary to popular perceptions, our results also indicate that the receipt of welfare is unrelated to marriage transitions. Poor women who receive welfare have the same probability of marriage as poor women who do not. ... Our results suggest that marriage is more strongly influenced by whether poor women hold jobs and have access to economically attractive men. Future policies to reform welfare may more fruitfully be directed toward promoting employment that pays wages above the poverty level for both men and women, encouraging job training and skills acquisition, and eliminating existing disincentives to employment within the welfare system.
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 3:32 PM |Link
Thinking about the view of marriage expressed at the wedding Tom attended this past weekend, I was reminded of this great insight from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in one of his letters from prison, addressed to a young man on his wedding day:You love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal -- it is a status, an office. Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man. And then, to my mind, the best sentence:It is not your love that sustains your marriage, but from now on, your marriage that sustains your love. Wow. BTW, there's a new documentary, Bonhoeffer, very much worth seeing.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 2:04 PM |Link
I DO...AND FREE MUMIA!: This weekend I went to an interesting wedding. My girlfriend was the maid of honor, but she also served as the officiant, for two reasons. First, the couple did not want religion to seep in anywhere, so having a priest officiate was out of the question. (The father of the bride and the father of the groom both thwarted the couple's secular desires, though, by asking God to bless the marriage.) Second, the couple had already gotten married, for tax purposes, earlier in the year.
Predictably, the couple eschewed standard vows in favor of highly personalized professions of love to each other (e.g., "you are a devoted partner, a passionate teacher, an inspiring communist"). But what actually irked the marriage buff in me was this excerpt from the ceremony:
[Y]ou realize that in a greater sense no other person or officiant can truly marry you. Only you can marry yourselves. By your commitment to love each other, to work with all your hearts toward creating an atmosphere of care and respect, and by your willingness to face together the fears and uncertainty that underlie human life, you marry yourselves more surely than any document. Of course a marriage is primarily about two people. Traditionally, however, the institution of marriage has been bigger than the two individuals in it. In this new trend, though, the couple is it. Marriage is--and only is--what the couple wants it to be. As David Blankenhorn explains, "The vow is not an external reality, like gravity or the weather, but instead a subjective projection, deriving its meaning solely from the couple." What's left is a thinner, weaker institution.
The best man's toast was also, er, unique, in that he did not mention the couple even once. Rather, he implored the "friends and comrades" in attendance (with the emphasis on comrades) to resist Bush's imperialist wars and the extreme right-wing assault on our public schools and to "Free Palestine!" and to get the "US Out of Vieques!" and to do a bunch of other stuff. The crowd sat quietly through the toast/tirade, more confused than offended.
posted by Tom Sylvester
at 1:07 PM |Link
PARENTS, SPOUSES, AND ITS � In the continuing saga of the strange deneutering of our language � we have �parents� rather than mothers and fathers, �spouses� or �partners� rather than husbands or wives, and increasingly �siblings� rather than brothers and sisters � A.S. Byatt makes an odd contribution today.
In an intriguingly titled oped in the NYT, �Harry Potter and the Childish Adult,� which unfortunately doesn�t have much to do with the promised thesis in the title, Byatt writes:
Freud described what he called the "family romance," in which a young child, dissatisfied with its ordinary home and parents, invents a fairy tale in which it is secretly of noble origin, and may even be marked out as a hero who is destined to save the world. I understand Byatt�s quandary here. Like many writers, I struggle with pronouns when writing about an abstract individual. If I am writing about a �young child,� I start out with he or she and then try to use the other gender-specific term the next time I need a similar pronoun. It�s a method that lacks clarity, unfortunately, but I�m also not happy going with the traditional practice of using only �he.�
But don�t you find it jarring to hear a child referred to as an �it�? Would Byatt also make a grown-up an �it,� or is this a device she reserves only for children?
posted by Elizabeth Marquardt
at 12:51 PM |Link
Sunday, July 06, 2003
"This new target market is �metrosexual�, a term coined a few years ago to identify straight urban men who enjoy such things as shopping and using beauty products. It is sometimes described in lad mags as being �just gay enough� to get the babes."
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 1:35 PM |Link
Against forced marriages in Pakistan:One hopes that Justice Tassaduq Hussain Jilani�s verdict declaring forced nikah invalid will serve as an authoritative precedent that outlaws all kinds of forced marriages. One day we might even want the state to declare marriage a matter of free and voluntary choice between two human beings irrespective of their religion, sect, race or caste as the relevant UN conventions prescribe.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 1:25 PM |Link
The Boston Globe's Jeff Jacoby on SSM; he's anti.
posted by David Blankenhorn
at 1:17 PM |Link
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